The Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu
by Kaori
Summary: Put away all food and beverages and be sure to position yourself where you cannot cause yourself injury. It's time for the seventh Shinobi Guide. Naruto finds a scroll in the archives and everything goes straight to youknowwhere via express elevator.
1. Chapter 1

_From Fark . com after the announcement of the death of Steve Irwin:_

Eat More Possum: At least he died doing what he loved.

brokennewz: What, antagonizing deadly animals?

thegospelofThomas: rolls eyes …BESIDES that.

The Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu  
By Kaori

By now we should all be familiar with Naruto's Oiroke no Jutsu and Harem no Jutsu; both of which have now been labeled kinjutsu but were not added to the Forbidden Scroll. Oh no. Jutsu like that go in a very special scroll. A scroll reserved for jutsu so absurd, yet so effective they needed their own scroll. That scroll is called: The Scroll of Dubious Jutsu.

No one is really certain as to how this scroll got started (especially as it is in it's seventh volume and volumes one through three were destroyed by accident/fit of explosive rage), but most of them are too embarrassing to use in combat…

…but that doesn't make them any less destructive. The chaos that could be inflicted on the village is astronomical.

One would think that scrolls like this one would be kept under lock and key, but they'd be incorrect. Lock something up and you invite people to steal it; (see Scroll of Sealing incident) put it in plain sight and people will think little of it or even forget that it's there. This works so long as the person doesn't get bored enough to start examining things too closely. As of yet this hasn't been an issue in the public archives where the scroll had been sitting on a shelf quietly gathering dust. It only took one D-Rank mission for it to be found and for Konoha to be plunged into hair pulling, teeth gnashing, panicked screaming madness.

"ACHOO! ACHOO!"

Dust flew everywhere causing a fit of sneezing for the hapless trio. Once again Team 7 was doing the wretched D-Rank missions. Today's mission: clean the archives and reorganizing the shelves. The masks they were wearing didn't seem to be doing much good and the sneezing seemed to worsen the more they cleaned. Of course, that may have something to do with the way Naruto and his three kage bunshins were violently attacking the dusty shelves with feather dusters.

"Naruto…(hack cough) quit it!" Sakura gasped for air and cursed the person who thought it was a good idea to put the archives in a room with no windows. She looked around. "And where is Kakashi-sensei?"

"Who cares, it's not like he helps us anyway." Naruto huffed.

Once the dusting done, the genin now had the arduous task of putting the scrolls back on the shelves. The trio sat on the floor and went through each scroll and put it in the appropriate shelf.

"This is so boring, there's only scrolls with census data and old budget reports." Thought Sasuke as he went through scroll after scroll. "Wow, I had no idea the Shodai spent so much money on fertilizer…"

Naruto was just as bored as his rival and was about to voice his thoughts when something caught his eye. This scroll looked just like all the other ones on the outside (the same white scroll with dull black katakana showing that it had been placed in the miscellaneous section) but after opening it…

"Scroll of Dubious Jutsu: Volume Five." Read Naruto, casting a furtive look at his teammates who were busy sorting through the scrolls and not paying him the slightest bit of attention. He skimmed through it, noting one that Sasuke might like called Fangirl Repel no Jutsu. "This jutsu will repel any female approaching the caster or target at excessive speeds once they come within two feet of the target or caster. Warning: do not cast this jutsu more than once every twelve hours as doing so will cause the affected person to attract every male between the ages of thirteen and thirty. Heheheheh…"

"What are you giggling about, dobe?" asked Sasuke absently.

"Nothing…" hedged the blonde, and shoved the scroll into his jacket.

_You all probably know what's going to happen next but for those of you who didn't get much sleep last night I'll elaborate. Things are about to get seriously depraved up in here._


	2. Chapter 2

"_What would you do if I sang out of tune?_  
_Would you stand up and walk out on me?  
__Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song  
__And I'll try not to sing out of key._" 

The Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu  
By Kaori

It is the dawn of a new day in Konohagakure. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, Jiraiya is perving, and all is right with the world…for now. Uzumaki Naruto woke up and greeted the day with a huge grin. It was a beautiful day soon to be filled with… 

"KYAAAAAAHHHH! SPIDER! KILL IT! KILL IT!"

…the sound of the neighbor lady screaming? Okay that wasn't what he was thinking but he was sure to cause a few screams today. But first things first: a shower, a change of clothes, and a bowl of ramen before mayhem.

Sasuke admired himself in the mirror. "Oh yeah, I'm one sexy mother…"

"SASUKE-KUN!" several cheerful voices chorused outside his door. "I'VE BROUGHT YOUR BREAKFAST!"

"What the…what do you mean _you_ brought Sasuke-kun's breakfast? _I'm_ giving Sasuke-kun breakfast! You whores go home!" one voice yelled.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING AWHORE!" screeched the others. And the sounds of fighting broke the otherwise peaceful morning.

"Looks like I'm leaving through the bathroom window again." The Uchiha sighed in annoyance as the fangirls began the now ritualistic battle to determine who, if anyone, would be giving Sasuke her lovingly cooked meal.

Unfortunately for Sasuke, Sakura was waiting for him outside his bathroom window with a home cooked meal of her own.

"Good morning, Sasuke-kun!" she chirped as he lowered himself out of the window. Sasuke almost jumped back into his bathroom but gravity decided not to be his friend today and he landed on his back at Sakura's feet. "Would you like some breakfast?" He was about to tell her off when he suddenly realized that he could see up her dress. Turning bright red he got up quickly, muttered something about training, and ran for the hills leaving Sakura to stare at his back in disappointment.

Naruto finished his ramen with a happy sigh. "Now on to business." He took the scroll out of his jacket. "I could try that Fangirl Repel jutsu first but I think I'll save that for later. Let's see what else is in here." He skimmed through the scrolls, occasionally letting out a snicker or an evil laugh. Then he came across one that puzzled him. "Mother-in-Law no Jutsu? What the heck does that do?" he tried to read further but there were jelly stains on the explanation. The only thing he could make out was that it doesn't work on children, spinsters, or bachelors. Even more confused, he memorized the handseals and set out to find a target.

Sarutobi Asuma sometimes wondered if Konohamaru really understood what being a ninja meant. Especially when he found him, once again, painting a cardboard box to look like a rock. However, he felt no need to correct what should be an obvious flaw in the boy's plan as the amusement that usually followed would break up the tedium of the day.

Leaving the boy to finish what he was doing, he went out to buy a pack of cigarettes unaware as to exactly what was awaiting him.

Naruto was about to give up on finding someone to test the jutsu on when he spotted Asuma meandering down the street. Now, the boy had nothing against the jounin personally but he was running out of patience and for all he knew he wouldn't get a chance like this ever again. He focused all his attention on Asuma, went through the handseals and…

"Mother-in-Law no Jutsu!"

Asuma shuddered. He looked around warily. What was this ominous feeling? Could it be withdrawal symptoms? He quickened his pace towards the store.

The shopkeeper greeted him with a friendly smile as he entered and then went back to dusting the shelves. Asuma made a beeline for the cigarettes. As his hand reached out for a pack of cancer sticks he suddenly heard a voice.

"Buying your filthy cigarettes again?" the voice was grating with a critical tone. "What sort of example are you setting for my grandson?"

Asuma whirled around and came face to face with someone he had not seen in three years.

"Wha…how…"

"And you're stuttering. How unmanly. Honestly I don't know what my daughter saw in you. You've got poor posture, and your beard isn't even trimmed neatly. And stop that gaping you look like a fish."

Asuma stood there in a mix between surprise, horror, and fear. The woman was two feet shorter than him, with gray hair done up in a severe bun. Her dark blue eyes glared at him from behind large, coke-bottle glasses and her mouth was set in a permanent frown.

She could not be here. They buried her three years ago. He thought he was rid of the she-demon for good! But she is here! Nagging, disapproving, about to make his life a living hell once more.

"You'd better not be teaching Konohamaru (1) your shameful ways. I still remember your horrible lack of proper decorum when you first came to my house. You didn't bring me a gift, and you never gave proper compliments of my cooking. Furthermore…"

Not again. He couldn't live with this again.

"She should have married that handsome Toramaru. Now _he_ was a man, and with a _proper _job. A respectable apothecary, not a ninja like you who'll widow your wife and leave your child fatherless…"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!" Asuma screamed and ran out of the store. The shopkeeper watched him go with a slightly puzzled look on his face.

"Maybe he's trying to quit." He thought, and then went back to his dusting.

Naruto, who had been watching the whole thing from the aisle, was completely confused. Asuma was just going to pick up some cigarettes and then suddenly started freaking out. He kept staring at the other end of the aisle like he'd seen a ghost, but there was nothing there except shelves of candy. Wanting to investigate more, he decided to follow Asuma.

The Sandaime Hokage' son ran pell-mell through the streets and didn't stop until he reached one of the training areas. He sighed and sat down under a tree. He reached into his jounin vest for a cigarette only to remember that he'd forgotten to buy them.

"Looking for you cancer sticks?" the grating voice was back.

"Don't look, don't look, don't look…"he murmured. He looked.

"Don't you ignore me." Glared his mother-in-law. "How dare you. I would think the son of Sandaime-sama would have better manners! Back in my day men were…"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" he took off again.

Naruto was getting a little bit tired of chasing the jounin around (not to mention hungry) so he decided to leave the man to his delusions and go visit Ichiraku.

Said jounin bumped into Hatake Kakashi on his frantic dash through the village in a futile attempt to escape his mother-in-law.

"Kakashi! Thank God! You've got to help me!" he blathered.

"Asuma?" blinked Kakashi. "What's going on? Did you steal Anko's dango again?"

"Worse! Much, much worse!" cried the beardo. "It's my mother-in-law!" Kakashi blinked at him.

"Didn't she die two years ago?"

"That's what I thought but she's back and following me! Criticizing me! I can't go through that again! You've got to hide me!" Kakashi slapped him.

"Pull yourself together man!" he grabbed him by the shoulders and looked into his eyes. "Your mother-in-law is dead. She can't ruin your life any more."

"But she's right there!" he pointed frantically off to Kakashi's right. Said jounin looked over but saw nothing.

"I don't see anyone Asuma. You know, you don't look so good. Maybe you should go get some rest…"

"Ha! As if that harpy would _let_ me! Yeah, that's right! I called you a harpy! And you know what, I'm not sorry!" Kakashi suddenly felt very sorry for Asuma as he ranted at his invisible motheer-in-law, so he did the humane thing and used his sharingan to put the other jounin to sleep.

Elsewhere, completely oblivious to the mental trauma he had inflicted, Naruto was looking through the stolen scroll. "What the heck is a Haliotosis?"

_What indeed. Most likely it's something completely ridiculous but surprisingly effective._

1) It's still not clear whether Konohamaru is Asuma's son or his nephew. Given both their ages I'd assume nephew, because it's improbable (but not impossible) that Konohamaru is Asuma's son. Until that is clarified I'll stick with the safer assumption and take the risk of making an ass out of u and me.


	3. Chapter 3

Hooray beer! (I don't even really like beer that much I just like saying that.)

The Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu  
By Kaori

After looking up halitosis in the dictionary Naruto wasn't too surprised that someone had decided to make use of it in an attack. Karyu Endan and Dokugiri use the same concept, it's only natural someone would think to use a different approach. Someone even used it as the basis for a similar technique called Match Lighter no Jutsu that he did not have the nerve to try. There was a footnote at the end of the description saying that the only person to every perform this jutsu was it's creator and he was beaten half to death by the victims once they'd regained consciousness. The beating wasn't what discouraged him it was the fact that he'd have to drop his pants to perform it; you. So he was going with the safer Dragon Breath Jutsu.

The jutsu was designed to work over an indoor area about the size of the staging ground for the preliminary round of the final Chuunin Exam. If performed indoors the effect would last for hours, but if performed outdoors it didn't last nearly as long. The only drawback was that girls would be very leery of talking to you, but Naruto didn't care about that since the only girls who ever talked to him on a regular basis were Sakura, Hinata, TenTen, and Ino.

"Hmm…this jutsu temporarily multiplies the number of oral bacteria in the mouth five thousand fold. By focusing chakra to the lungs and expelling through the mouth, the user can emit a powerful, noxious gas that will incapacitate even the most resilient ninja."

While he didn't need to incapacitate any ninjas (he already had a technique for that), revenge on certain villagers seemed appropriate…

The shop was full today which meant that business is good. And when business is good, Fukiyuu Hiro was happy. If things continued on like this, he'd be able to completely clear his inventory and finally go on vacation. Nothing could possibly ruin this day!

Uzumaki Naruto entered one of the many clothing stores that had refused to sell anything to him using a henge. This particular store was a target because the owner not only refused to sell to him, but had ruined the clothes he had been wearing at the time. He pretended to browse the shelves, watching the owner out of the corner of his eye. He waited for his opportunity and saw a golden one when a wealthy woman walked in and approached the counter. He immediately went to the back of the store and prepared himself.

"I'm looking for something special." The rich woman said, eyeing Hiro with the type of bored haughtiness that only aristocrats could pull off. "I'm attending a banquet next week and I simply must have a new dress; one that will make me stand out."

"Of course madam." Hiro groveled. "I have just the thing. Please, just wait a moment while I get it from the back."

"Now." Naruto thought, purposely creating a "dead" bunshin, using a small henge to make it look like it was decomposing, and then shoving it into the open broom closet. "Dragon Breath no Jutsu!" He breathed a large amount of noxious gas, and then screamed. "KYAAAA! THERE'S A DEAD BODY IN HERE! MURDER! MURDER!"

Immediately, all the patrons gathered around to see what was up and recoiled at the stench and the sight of the horribly mutilated body.

"Someone call the police!" one man said.

"It must have been here a while. Ugh, what a stench…" another one commented.

"I heard one of Fukiyuu-san's employees went missing a few days ago. Do you suppose this is him?" Naruto murmured to the lady (who he recognized as a gossip-monger) standing next to him. The woman, not wanting to seem ignorant nodded furiously.

"O..Oh! Yes! I heard about that! And now the body shows up here!"

"Is that a fact?" the rich lady, who was nearby gasped. "Well, I don't want to buy anything from a place involved in such a scandal." And she left. Most of the patrons voiced their agreement and started to leave.

"What's going on here?" a confused Hiro asked as he came out with the dress.

"As if you don't know! I'll bet you're the one who did it too!" accused the gossip.

"What?"

"Don't deny it! You murdered him! The evidence is right over there!"

"Murder! What murder? What are you…"

At this point, Naruto decided to make himself scarce. The damage was done and soon it would be all over town. Even if it was found out that it wasn't true later, people will still think it was since so many people saw the "corpse". The fact that it disappeared when everyone wasn't looking would add even more credibility to the rumor. It would take Fukiyuu Hiro months to recover from the loss of business.

Once he was a safe distance away from the clothing store, Naruto dispelled the henge. Next stop, the grocer.

"Fresh fish and milk! Fresh fish today! Frothy, creamy milk! Fresh fish and milk today!" Nobuo Eiji called out.

"Oh this is just too perfect." Naruto grinned, ducking into the nearby alley. "I'll teach him to sell me spoiled food…"

"Fresh fish!" Eiji continued to yell. "Creamy, milk!"

"What kind of fish do you have today?" a customer asked.

"We've got haddock, cod, and salmon all fresh." Eiji said proudly.

"Oh! Let me have a look at the salmon."

"Certainly sir, give me a moment."

"Dragon Breath no Jutsu" whispered Naruto and created a wispy cloud of concentrated stink.

By the time Eiji popped up with the fish, it had just about reached the customer's unprepared nose.

"UGGH!" he shuddered, as the grocer held up the fish with pride. "You call that fresh! It smells at least a week old! There's no way I'm buying that!" And she stormed off, repulsed.

Eiji sniffed the fish in confusion. It smelled fine to him. He was about to put it back when another customer came up.

"Oh, you have salmon." He said coming up to the stand. Naruto immediately let off another Dragon Breath Jutsu the second the man was close enough to the stand. The man gagged and ran off to be sick in a garbage can.

Eiji was mystified. Was the fish cursed maybe? Perhaps there was something wrong with all of them. He went in the back to check and Naruto decided to take his revenge a little further. Jumping out of the alley he ducked into the stand. Eiji still had his back turned.

"DRAGON BREATH JUTSU!"

"What…uugh!" the stench was overwhelming, and the heat from it stole whatever breath he had left, and he passed out. Grinning evilly, Naruto hefted him up and chucked him into the crate of fish.

"Ah, that felt good." Sighed the blonde mischief-maker. "I wonder who my next victim will be…" The heavens decided to answer him when he was rudely shoved aside by a man walking up the street. "HEY! You should apologize when you bump into someone!" The man turned and glared at him. Naruto instantly recognized him as one of the drunks that liked to pick on him.

"Pah, something like you isn't worth the breath." He sneered.

Target acquired.

Using his ninja skills, Naruto followed the guy around town hoping for a chance to humiliate him. He got it when he stopped to talk to a girl near a restaurant.

"Hey baby, how would you like to have lunch with me?" he asked her.

"I don't know…" the girl drawled. The man put his arm around her.

"Dragon Breath no Jutsu." Naruto sent a wave of foul air in his direction.

"Come on, it'll be fun." He wheedled. The girl was about to reply when she got a whiff of the Dragon Breath. She recoiled and practically threw him onto the ground.

"Ew! No way!" she ran off.

"Was it something I said?" he blinked. Naruto laughed all the way to Ichiraku.

Once there he ordered a quintuple order of beef ramen, triple order of shrimp ramen, and a quadruple order of chicken ramen. After eating his fill he decided to go sit on the Academy roof and see which jutsu he wanted to try next.

"Ooh this looks like fun!"

_…I've got nothing. Anyway, the next chapter involves scary clowns in unexpected places._


	4. Chapter 4

To say0narabus: I see you're a Red Stripe fan too! Hooray beer! ..says the beautiful man!

On a side-note, Talk Like a Pirate Day is September 19. Is there no one who will support me in making October Act Like a Ninja Month? We can't let the pirates win! We must go out and ninja in the night!

The Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu  
By Kaori

Hyuuga Hiroshi stepped into the steamy hot water of the onsen and let out a contented sigh. A soak in the hot water was just the cure for aching, tired muscles. He placed a towel on his head and leaned back further, allowing his head to rest on the wall. So relaxed was he that he did not notice that the water around him was bubbling ominously until…

FWOOSHOOM!

"AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHH!"

Naruto grinned as he walked away from the Hyuuga compound. Now that he knew the jutsu worked, he was going to enjoy himself immensely.

Twenty minutes later, a concerned Hyuuga Hiashi was standing before the Hokage.

"He's still unconscious, Hokage-sama. I fear it's _that_ jutsu."

"I see." Twitched Tsunade. "Thank you, Hyuuga-san. I'll see to it." Hiashi bowed and left. Once she was sure he was out of hearing range, Tsunade burst out laughing and took a crystal ball out of her desk drawer. "Ooh this is going to be _good_! It's been a while since I've seen this jutsu in action…" She snickered as she settled down to watch the show.

Naruto sat happily in a tree near the barbecue restaurant Asuma and his team frequented. Said group of ninjas were enjoying a steamy bowls of sukiyaki. The large pot was sitting on the grill, innocently cooking the meats and vegetables therein. "Heheheh…" snickered the be-whiskered blonde.

Shikamaru picked up his chopsticks and reached into the pot to get some more mushrooms when he felt something tug on them. He tried to pull them back but they were suddenly yanked out of his hand. "Hey!" he protested.

"Mmm?" hummed Chouji, slurping his broth. "Is something wrong Shikamaru?" Shikamaru was leaning over the pot.

"Something took my chopsticks."

"Don't be silly, it's not like there's squid or lobster in there." Snorted Ino. "You probably just dropped them."

"No, I'm sure something grabbed them." He said firmly, peering into the pot. The others, curious, decided to take a look too (in hopes of spotting a tasty morsel).

Outside, Naruto grinned and put his hands in the rabbit seal. "Crack-in-the-Box no Jutsu!"

"GAH!" screamed Team 10. As the broth was suddenly expelled from the pot but that's not what really frightened them. A hideous clown (think "It" or those clowns from "Killer Clowns from Outer Space) was leering at them from the pot. It reached back into the pot, pulled out a bottle of seltzer water and hosed the four of them down. Then it started dancing.

"Shikamaru…" Ino gaped.

"Yes Ino?" the chuunin murmured.

"There's a clown in our soup."

"Yes Ino."

"What is it doing in our soup?"

"…It looks like the Macarena."

Said clown stopped dancing gave a creepy laugh and disappeared in a puff of red smoke. Naruto, trying very hard not to laugh too loudly, rushed off into the forest where he knew his next victims would be.

TenTen and Gai stood on the sidelines watching Neji and Lee spar. This wasn't so unusual except for the fact that they were both tied upside-down to a tree limb by their ankles and had to fight using only their hands while trying not to pass out from all the blood rushing to their heads. Typical insane training a la Gai or it would have been except for what happened…

Lee swung back in order to get more momentum for his punch but Neji anticipated it and was about to block him when suddenly, something popped out of his sleeve.

"GAH!" yelped Lee, as the thing leaped out of Neji's sleeve and latched onto his face. "Get it off! Get it off!" he cried.

The others managed to get a look at the thing as Lee flailed about helplessly. It was a small clown and it had a switchblade. Snickering, it cut the rope securing Lee to the tree branch causing them to plummet to the ground.

THUD!

"LEE!" wailed Gai.

"AGH! SAVE ME GAI-SENSEI!" Lee desperately called out, the clown was still securely attached to his face. The clown snickered again, brought the razor up and suddenly disappeared (consequently obscuring Lee's face from view) in a flurry of movements and a shower of strange, wispy objects. Lee ran around in a circle screaming as his sensei and teammates watched helplessly.

The little scene lasted about seven minutes, before the little clown finished whatever it had been doing, jumped to the ground, bowed and disappeared in a puff of yellow smoke with polka dots (Lord only knows how since that should be impossible). No one was watching the clown though, they were all staring at Lee's face.

"Lee," gasped TenTen. "you're…you're…" Neji looked like he was either going to burst into song or crap his pants and Gai was crying uncontrollably.

"What's wrong? What did he do?" Lee asked, confused. TenTen wordlessly handed him a mirror. "I'M BALD!"

"And eyebrowless." Neji added looking for all the world like Christmas had come early.

All over Konoha clown-induced panic was everywhere. Sakura had gone to the closet to get some clean towels when a clown popped out, pulled her dress over her head, picked her up, and threw her out into the street. Hyuuga Hiroshi (1) passed out yet again when he was surprised by a clown popping out of the plastic cup that his medicine was in; poor fool had only just regained consciousness two minutes prior, you just know he's gonna have problems.

In the Hokage Tower, Tsunade was busting a gut. It was funny the first time she'd seen the jutsu used and it was still funny now. She was very familiar with the creator of Crack-in-the-Box no Jutsu and had wondered if she'd ever have the pleasure of seeing her old friend's technique in action ever again.

She was ten years old and in the Academy when it was used the first time. The look on her teacher's face had been priceless when he opened a pot of ink and a clown popped out and pantsed him. The culprit, Oda Yanku, couldn't have been more pleased with the laughter, applause, and pats on the back his handiwork had earned him (later he would comment that even the detention had been worth that one moment). As the years went on, Yanku used Crack-in-the-Box no Jutsu as a distraction technique during infiltration missions. People had called him The Ringmaster Ninja because any place he attacks is instantly turned into a circus.

Now the jutsu was in the hands of Konoha's very own master prankster, Uzumaki Naruto.

"Yanku would be proud." Snickered Tsunade and turned back to watch a clown pop out of Kakashi's copy of Icha Icha Paradise and kiss him.

Naruto was having an equally good time. He had just figured out how to combine Crack-in-the-Box no Jutsu with his Harem no Jutsu and was now looking for his next victim.

Ebisu should have paid more attention to his horoscope when it said "do not under any circumstances leave the house today." But no, here he was, walking down the street with a bag full of blank scrolls and a box of takoyaki. He rounded a corner and headed for the bank, wanting to withdraw some money to make a few more purchases before heading home.

"Crack-in-the-Box no Jutsu!"

He wasn't even able to get a word out as naked girls suddenly popped up everywhere. There was one in the garbage can, one on top of a lamp post (in a lewd position that we will not detail here), five sitting on the fence, another one in a manhole (dear Lord that word sounds wrong…), and at least seven on the roof of every building.

Ebisu's and every man with a heartbeat's noses erupted in a fountain of blood. Naruto's cackling laughter the only thing they heard before losing consciousness.

Hyuuga Hiashi stood over the prone form of Hyuuga Hiroshi and shook his head. He'd heard about Crack-in-the-Box no Jutsu from his father who had been a victim of it. To think that it was now part of Uzumaki Naruto's arsenal was frightening. Briefly, he contemplated hiding in Hinata's room.

Elsewhere, Uchiha Sasuke narrowly escaped a glomping by an overzealous fangirl only to be hugged by the scary clown that mysteriously jumped out of her blouse. Punching the thing in the nose he looked around to see Naruto with his hands in the ram seal and grinning evilly. Sasuke, being the prodigy that he is, watched as Naruto performed Crack-in-the-Box no Jutsu. Immediately, a clown popped out of an unsuspecting villager's pants and punched him in the face.

"Naruto…" he growled, rolled up his sleeves and marched over to give the dobe the pummeling of his life.

An hour later, Naruto limped home. Sasuke had been yelling about using clowns to attack him within hearing range of some of the victims. How dare that teme ruin his fun. That does it, Uchiha is going down.

_Let the war begin!_

1) This guy was going to be in The Shinobi's Guide to Accursed Herilooms but I ended up leaving him out of the story entirely in favor of torturing Tobi.


	5. Chapter 5

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, prepare to die!

The Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu  
By Kaori

After inflicting Crack in the Box no Jutsu on the village, it was now common knowledge that Naruto is in possession of Volume Five of the Scroll of Dubious Jutsu. Unfortunately for the populace, Tsunade saw no reason to take it from him as she was getting quite a bit of entertainment and he hadn't destroyed anything important.

Jiraiya pointed out that she didn't care because she hadn't been attacked and earned himself a trip out of her window via Fist Express.

Up in a tree, Naruto casually went through the scroll trying to find something suitable to begin his revenge with. He'd already decided the Fangirl repelling jutsu could wait until later; he wanted to start off light and build up to the utter humiliation he planned to lay down on the Uchiha. Surprisingly, during his search he came across Sarutobi Hachiko's (1) Divine Retribution no Jutsu.

Divine Retribution no Jutsu summons any object the person desires onto the head of the intended victim. Hachiko always used a washtub but Naruto decided something else was in order.

Sasuke sat on the dock staring into the lake and lost in his memories. If fangirls chose to attack him right then he wouldn't be able to escape unmolested. He was so lost in his world of angst and rage that he didn't even notice Jiraiya soaring over his head until the old man landed in the middle of the water. He sighed at his reverie being disturbed, stood up, and went to find another spot to angst in.

It was hot today, and there weren't too many people walking around which made it a little easier to spot attacking fangirls (it would've been significantly easier if ninety-seven percent of them weren't kunoichi). He shuddered as he remembered going to buy groceries on an especially busy market day and ended up playing Dodgedick (2) with thirty fangirls and one emboldened fanboy. He quickened his pace but it didn't save him.

"EEEEEEEEEK!" a girl screamed. Sasuke looked around, panicked, but didn't see anyone. What is it about human beings and their disinclination to look up when they sense danger? Something heavy landed on his shoulders, consequently knocking him onto the ground.

"Would you mind getting off of me?" growled Sasuke.

"Ack! I'm so sorry I…EH? SASUKE-KUN!" the Uchiha was suddenly scooped up into the arms of a red-headed girl with her hair in a bun. "THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE! I'M HUGGING SASUKE-KUN!"

Sasuke, using his mad ninja skills, broke free from the clutches of the fangirl and ran for it.

"NO! SASUKE-KUN! WAIT!" she gave chase.

"You don't get off that easy Sasuke-teme." Naruto whispered cruelly from a nearby roof. He followed the running teenagers.

Sasuke ran like Forrest Gump through the village trying to escape his redheaded admirer. It looked like he was going to get away too but…

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

THUD!

"Oof!"

"What just happened? What did I land on? (gasp) SASUKE-KUN!" Glompage ensues.

"Gah!"

This girl had short, dirty blonde hair and a noticeably more developed bust than the redheaded girl, Sasuke noticed. However, a fangirl is a fangirl and he quickly dislodged himself from her embrace.

"Where are you going Sasuke-kun!" the blonde cried out desperately. The red-head ran past her.

"Sasuke-kun is mine! I had him first!"

"Sasuke-kun doesn't want you, you flat-chested bitch!" the blonde got up and joined the chase. Sasuke had a thirty-second head start and they were determined to catch him. Neither of them noticed the blonde shinobi on the roof trailing them. Forty-six seconds later…

"EEEEEEEEEEK!" a third fangirl fell from the heavens and landed on poor Sasuke. This one was dark-haired and wore glasses.

"SASUKE-KUN!" Glompage ensues. The other two fangirls managed to catch up and immediately grab onto whatever part of Sasuke they can. The redhead grabbed his left leg, the blonde his right leg, and the girl with the glasses had him by the neck. To make matters worse, they all started pulling.

"Let…go!" growled glasses.

"No way, I saw him first!" grunted red.

"He doesn't want to be with either of you , can't you see that!" strained the blonde.

The little tug-of-war went on for ten minutes and Sasuke looked about ready to pass out from lack of oxygen when…

"EEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

Fangirl number four, another dark-haired girl, fell from the sky and landed right on his stomach. This had two effects: the first was knocking the wind out of Uchiha, the second causing the three girls to fall on top of each other (and subsequently Sasuke). And if that wasn't enough…

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" two more fangirls fell on top of the dog pile on Sasuke.

"Heheh, one more for the road." Smirked Naruto from his spot on the roof. "Divine Retribution no Jutsu!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

THUD!

"Uwaaaah! Sasuke-kun!"

"I could do this all day."

"Do what all day?"

"Ack!" Naruto jumped up, startled and whirled around to see Kakashi reading his book behind him. "Kakashi-sensei! Err…ummm…I…oh look at the time! I've got to see a man about a dog! Bye Kakashi-sensei!" he ran off across the rooftops, a bemused Kakashi watching him leave.

The jounin then looked over the side of the roof to see Sasuke being molested. "Oh, this is way better than Icha Icha Paradise…" he put the book away and took out a disposable camera. "I will treasure this moment forever."

Sasuke was not having nearly as much fun as his perverted sensei.

"Let go of me! What are you doing? Don't touch me there! Give me back my shorts! " And to think, some people actually pay money to be in such a situation.

_Coming up next: Sasuke unwillingly gets trained in Early-Morning-Unprovoked-Cat-Attack-Fu._

1) See Shinobi's Guide to Television chapter 4 and Shinobi's Guide to Drama chapter 8.

2) If you really want to know what this is go to Gaijin Smash and read all about it.


	6. Chapter 6

_I smoke two joints in the morning_  
_I smoke two joints at night  
__I smoke two joints in the afternoon  
__It makes me feel all right.  
__I smoke two joints in times of peace  
__And two in times of war  
__I smoke two joints before I smoke two joint  
__And then I smoke two more_. 

-Smoke Two Joints, C. Kay and M. Kay

Disclaimer: the author of this fanfiction does not condone the use of illegal illicit drugs nor does she use such substances herself.

The Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu  
By Kaori

"For this jutsu to be effective you must first acquire a bell (or some similar noise-making device), the attention of a large number of animals (preferably of the same species), enough Pavlov Pills (1) to feed them with, and a blank summoning scroll. Also, you must be proficient with kuchiyose no jutsu.." Naruto read the scroll as he ate The one he was currently looking at didn't have an official name so it was given the overly simplified title of When Animals Attack no Jutsu. This jutsu required a bit of preparation on the users part but the end result was quite funny to watch.

The basic premise is to train a group of animals to attack a target when a specific trigger is given (the creator used mongooses and a whistle, his apprentice used squirrels and a simple finger snap; both of them were eventually killed by their victims) by conditioning them with the pills. Once the conditioning was complete, you create a summoning scroll for them and you're all set.

Naruto didn't have the time or the patience for this so he took a short cut. He rounded up a bunch of alley cats that he knew couldn't stand each other and sealed them into the scroll, knowing from experience they would fight each other and maim anything in their path. Preparations complete, Naruto set his alarm clock so he could get up early and launch his attack on Sasuke.

Sasuke woke up, stretched and then promptly checked for fangirls, that creepy fanboy, and jealous boyfriends. There didn't seem to be any, yet. For all he knew they were waiting until he left the house to ambush him. With that happy thought, he went to take a shower.

Outside, in the bushes, the jinchuuriki lay in wait. Scroll in hand, heart hammering in excitement, and stomach full of ramen he bided his time, hoping for the right moment. He heard the shower running. "Perfect…"

Sasuke was not the type to sing or whistle in the shower, which was too bad because the fangirls that sometimes peek inside his bathroom window would've appreciated some music to go along with their free show. It also would have helped Naruto find the bathroom window a little easier. At any rate, once the blonde did find it he slowly eased the window open before biting his thumb and opening the scroll. Sasuke dropped his washcloth, and bent to pick it up. Naruto ran his bloody finger down the scroll.

POOF! Twenty, angry, hissing, clawing, biting, fighting cats appeared in Sasuke's shower. They wasted no time in dragging Sasuke into the melee.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

Naruto fell on his ass laughing. The cats showed no mercy and bit Sasuke in places that would normally be free from such abuse. They continued to attack him and each other as he frantically ran through his house. Naruto managed to get a hold of himself long enough to watch a naked Uchiha run through his house, knocking over various pieces of furniture, screaming and cursing as cats mutilated his body. However, the fun was just beginning. Sasuke, still unclothed, ran out of the house and into the street.

"Oh this is just too good to be true!" Naruto chortled. "I'm so glad I brought my camera…"

Ino had just finished opening up the shop when the sound of cats fighting and someone screaming caught her attention. Normally she would pay this no mind, but it seemed to be getting louder. Wondering just what was going on she turned around just in time to get a good look a horde of angry cats and Sasuke who was very much naked. As they passed she could only think "if only that tabby cat wasn't in the way…"

Moegi was bored, but so was most of the class. Konohamaru had long-since fallen-asleep as Iruka droned on and on about the history of the Hi no Kuni. She stared out the window praying that time would magically speed up. Suddenly, something jumped over the wall at high speed and that something was also covered in angry cats. Craning her neck at an odd angle to get a better look, she blushed when she saw that that _something_ was a naked Uchiha Sasuke. Her young mind finding the sight a bit too much to handle, shut down sending her head slamming onto the desk.

"Moegi are you okay?" Iruka asked, going up to the girl's desk and examining her. "Oh no, she's fainted! Why is her nose bleeding? Somebody get me a damp cloth!"

Tsunade was discussing the terms of a contract with a client (an aide for a small but wealthy country) as they walked to the Hokage Tower.

"You can be assured that our ninjas are more than capable of handling their missions with efficiency, accuracy, and dignity." Tsunade said. The would-be client was about to ask a question when Sasuke came running past screaming as the cats continued to maul him.

Neither woman spoke for several seconds.

"Who was that?" the woman asked quietly, still stunned. "Is he a ninja?"

"Not if I have anything to say about it." Tsunade mumbled.

Sasuke was getting pretty tired and the cats didn't seem to have any intention of stopping their fight. Unable to think of any other option he ran for the lake and jumped in. Predictably, the cats baled. He gave a short-lived sigh of relief. Now he had another problem: being naked in a pond on the other side of the village.

"This day couldn't possibly get any worse…" (2)

"HEY ANYBODY!" Naruto yelled. Sasuke's eyes got wide. He wouldn't dare. "SASUKE'S SKINNY DIPPING IN THE LAKE!"

The sound of thundering footsteps and suddenly the area was swarming with fangirls (and the one fanboy). Sasuke sank into the water. Damn that Naruto to the Hell Where People Get Thrown into Wood Chippers Feet First (3). Damn him.

_Heheh? Was that evil enough for you guys? I haven't made up my mind which jutsu to use next chapter so you're going to have to wait. In the meantime FORCE READERS TO REVIEW NO JUTSU!_

1) In a movie called Legend of the Liquid Sword there's a scene where a woman called Seaweed is being punished for stealing the sacred water from the temple. She was forced to eat a pill that makes her perform a kata in time to the sound of a bell ringing. The faster the bell rings the faster she has to do the kata. Irving Pavlov had this experiment where he could make dogs salivate at the sound of a bell; I couldn't remember what they were called and I'm too lazy to root through my box of VHS tapes to find out.

2) NEVER say that before a commercial and especially not ten minutes before the show is over!

3) I have read that this is one of the most frightening (and gruesome) ways to get killed. I also read that quite a number of people working in the lumber industry die by using their foot to clear debris in the heavy duty industrial chipper. Messy.


	7. Chapter 7

I'm kind of going through the week from Hell right now (and no it has nothing to do with "that time of the month"). Here's the breakdown:

Monday – boss lady hassling me for a report _she_ was should have finished a week ago to give to the board on Tuesday. Boss stressing me out for foolishness major ticked offedness.

Tuesday – Board meeting cancelled because two board members didn't get the report on time (whose fault is that I wonder…). Boss' boss hassles my boss to make a couple of last minute changes. Boss hands it to me even though I'm behind two days worth of work because of her. My turn for switchboard duty, concierge gets stuck in traffic and I get stuck there for another forty-five minutes instead of the usual hour. Get off work. Car doesn't start, have to call my aniki to jump start me.

Today: Car doesn't start again. Have to get my sister-in-law to take me to work and pick me up. Aniki is fixing car. On the drive to work sister-in-law tells me that aniki is a lousy husband. Resist the urge to say "I told you so".

Despite all that I will forge ahead with the funny stuff, but if it's less than my usual standard then you can understand why.

The Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu  
By Kaori

Naruto was looking for Ebisu. He had just come up with a new perverted jutsu using the scroll. His thoughts were that if he could combine his Harem no Jutsu and the Crack-in-the-Box no Jutsu, why couldn't he take it one step further and combine that new jutsu (he hadn't quite thought of a name for it yet) with the sealing technique from When Animals Attack no Jutsu for a super devastating attack?

After practicing it all night, he finally managed to get the first step down, but he needed to test it first, and what better target than the closet pervert? Unfortunately, Ebisu hadn't quite recovered from the blood loss caused by his last attack on the jounin so he needed another target. He spotted Kiba and Akamaru coming out of the grocers. He ran ahead of them to set up his ambush.

Tsunade watched Naruto curiously. She'd seen him prepare this jutsu beforehand but couldn't figure out exactly what he was trying to accomplish. He had made a couple of kage bunshins and sealed them into a notebook he'd bought. Oh well, she'd soon see what all of it was for.

"I sure hope this new dog food is as good as they claim. It's a shame Nanohana's shut down, their stuff made your coat really shiny." Kiba said to Akamaru who barked in reply. "It smells good? Well, you'll have to see what it tastes like."

"Ruff." The puppy agreed.

"Hey what's that in the street?" wondered the dog user. "Who would leave a notebook lying around like that?"

"Arf! Rrr arf!"

"It smells like Naruto? So this is his book?" Kiba smirked. "Well let's just see what he's got written in here." He opened it. Smoke poured from the pages. "Aah! What the hell is going on?" Kiba dropped the book on the ground but it was much to late. "WAAAGH!"

Tsunade fell out of her chair in shock at what she had just witnessed. This could revolutionize infiltration missions forever… Then a horrible thought entered her mind. If Jiraiya ever got his hands on this jutsu the world was doomed. She must get Naruto and get the details of that jutsu so she can put it in the scroll pronto.

Said young man was infinitely pleased with his results but he needed a better test. After all, it is very easy to…er…arouse an adolescent boy (1). He needed someone with more control, but not a complete rock either (that could wait until later). Nodding to himself, he steeled his resolved and went to look for his perpetually tardy sensei.

It wasn't hard to find him, he was outside of the bookstore drooling over the poster for the soon to be released Icha Icha Violence: Secrets of Bear Back (2) Inn. Naruto rolled his eye and took out his specially prepared notebook.

"Hey Kakashi-sensei! Guess what I've got!" he said.

"Hmm? Oh, Naruto it's you." Coughed Kakashi, hoping that his mask wasn't soaked in drool. "What do you need?"

"Hee hee! I stole this notebook from Ero-sennin. It's full of scenes that weren't put in the previous books. I'm going to go burn it before someone finds it and decides to publish it."

Predictably Kakashi panicked. "No! Don't do that! I mean…er…why don't you let me take the book? I'll keep it safe."

Naruto pretended to be suspicious.

"I don't know…you're almost as bad as him."

"Exactly why I should have it. I'm not as bad as him so I won't publish it." Reasoned Kakashi. To himself he was thinking of how he'd have a whole book full of never released Icha Icha scenes all to himself.

"Well…" Naruto feigned hesitance. Kakashi snatched the book from his hands and ran for it. "Heheheh…Sucker." He followed the jounin's trail hoping to see the results.

Kakashi ran for the Memorial Stone and hid behind it, giggling to himself. He looked up at the monument and gave a small smile. "You don't mind, right Obito? Hayate?" Unbeknownst to him, Naruto was watching from a nearby tree. Slowly, Kakashi opened the book, instantly smoke poured out from the pages. "What is this?" He jumped backwards but it was much too late and he, like Kiba, was thrown backward by the rapid expulsion of blood from his nostrils. "So…wonderful…" He passed out. Naruto collected his notebook and ran off to find his third and final victim. He knows this works well on men, but let's see how well it works on girls…

"I'm going now!" TenTen called back to her house before running towards the training ground. The last thing she needed was Gai ranting about how lateness is not in keeping with the spirit of youth and that they should not follow Kakashi's example no matter how hip and cool he is.

She was halfway there when she tripped over something. Looking back at her feet she didn't see anything but when she stood up there was a notebook in the path in front of her. Curious, she picked it up and looked at it.

It had no title and there was nothing written on the cover to show who it belonged to. "Maybe it's written on the inside." Thought TenTen she opened it. Smoke poured out from the pages and she dropped the book in surprise.

"Hello TenTen." a familiar voice purred in her ear.

"N…Neji?" she turned around to face him only to face the other way again in embarrassment. "Neji! Your naked!"

"I know…" "Neji" purred again. "Do I repulse you so much that you won't even look at me."

"You don't repulse me at all it's just…well…I…" she suddenly found herself facing another naked Neji. "Yeee!"

"Don't be afraid my pet." Oh God, this one purrs too! She couldn't take Purring Naked Neji in stereo. Blood rushed from her nose like a fountain and she was propelled into some nearby bushes.

Naruto jumped down from his tree and collected his book grinning evilly. "Perverted Popup Paperback no Jutsu is a success!"

"Naruto!" Kotetsu suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "I've been looking all over the village for you. The Hokage wants to see you." He noticed TenTen unconscious in the bushes. "Is she all right?"

"Oh she'll wake up in a minute or so." Naruto waved his hand negligently, then got a devious smile on his face. "Ne, Kotetsu-san, have you ever read this book before?"

Oh Naruto…you're going to be the demise of this village.

_I got the idea for this from playing too much Metal Gear Solid and watching too many MGS parodies. In the game you can distract the guards with porno magazines. I find this tactic to be especially funny around corners because if you place the magazine right, you can shoot the guards in the ass from around a corner when they bend over to pick it up. For me, the only thing more distracting than a naked person is two naked people doing the only thing you can do naked that you can't do with clothes on. Well…you can do it with clothes on but you'll quickly find that it's much more fun without the clothes._

1) Every woman 17 years and older knows this and if they don't know it they learn this very quickly or suffer the consequences.

2) I resisted the temptation to call it Bare Back Inn.


	8. Chapter 8

He's hot, he's here, and he's naked! That's right! Now you too can own Purring Naked Neji for only $1099.99! Other distributors sell Purring Naked Neji for as much as $3000! Yikes! But we at OtakuWhim Corp. know that you just don't have that kind of cash, so we're practically giving him away for $1099.99.

Order now and we'll throw in a free chaise lounge for Purring Naked Neji to lounge on sexily! Order within the next thirty minutes and you'll also get a special edition Perverted Popup Paperback. This book will allow you to summon Purring Naked Neji whenever and wherever you wish! Need to escape from class? Purring Naked Neji is the perfect distraction! Boyfriend not giving you enough attention? Purring Naked Neji will give you all the attention you could ever want!

Don't delay, order today! Members of The Depraved Masses get a 15 discount on their purchase. Only one Purring Naked Neji per customer. OtakuWhim Corp. is not liable for any fangirls that show up during your day should you purchase Purring Naked Neji. Operators are standing by.

A/N Sorry for the delay in posting, I've been working overtime lately and I don't get much time to write.

The Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu  
By Kaori

A month had passed since Naruto's new jutsu was unleashed. Tsunade had officially made it a kinjutsu for everyone else but Naruto and made him swear not to teach it to anyone without the Hokage's permission (especially since you needed at least a jounin's chakra level to even use it). Anyone who learned the jutsu would be subject to the same rule. This way she could prevent Jiraiya from learning it and inflicting Icha Icha Paradise: Perverted Popup Paperback Edition on the world. Especially since certain people had a bad habit of reading such things in public. (1) Subsequently, the technique was written down in the scroll for Dubious Jutsu Volume Eight.

All of that has nothing to do with why Naruto was being interrogated by his own friends in one of the Academy classrooms.

"It was you! Admit it!" Kiba accused.

"I'm telling you I have no idea what you're talking about." Naruto growled back.

"Cut the crap Naruto, most of the stuff that happens around here is your fault. Plus, several people saw you leaving the scene before the incident!"

"Just because I was there doesn't mean I did it!"

"He does have a point there." Said Shimakaru.

"Just whose side are you on?" yelled Ino, hitting him upside the head.

"Ow! Hey, that's insubordination!"

"Maybe you didn't do it but maybe you saw who did." Glared Sakura. "But you're not leaving this room until we get answers."

By now you're probably wondering what everyone is so upset about. Someone had gone into the Academy and put embarrassing pictures of the Rookie 9 on every blackboard and on all the walls inside and outside. Suspiciously, there weren't any pictures of Hinata, Naruto, or Shino anywhere. The others had immediately written off Hinata and Shino since neither of them would do such a thing (2) and they had both been training with Kiba and Kurenai all day. That left Naruto as the only possible suspect.

"You'd better tell us Naruto." Sasuke activated his sharingan. "Or so help me I'll beat it out of you." Sasuke was especially angry about the picture of him at age 4 after he had wet the bed. He was standing outside crying in his nightshirt while his mother hung his futon out in the sun to dry.

"You want to know what I know? Fine I'll tell you." He huffed. Nobody seemed to noticed that he was gathering a small amount of chakra into his left hand while holding a king's x (3). He sat up, and leaned his head on his left hand, pouting in annoyance. "I was walking back from training in practice area seventeen when I saw a skinny guy in a blue coat run out of an alley with something under his arm. He looked really suspicious so I followed him. Eventually he lead me to the Academy but I lost him on the second floor so I went to find Iruka-sensei and tell him what I saw. Then I remembered he'd be at the Hokage's Tower around then so I went there. The stupid guards wouldn't let me pass so I went back to the Academy to see if I could catch the guy, but when I got there it was already too late. There were kids pointing at the pictures and laughing and that's when you guys jumped me."

"Are you sure that's everything?" glared Ino. There had been a particularly funny picture of Ino being chased by bees.

"Yes."

"Hey Ino, use your Shintenshin to make sure he isn't lying." Suggested Kiba.

"Ew, no way am I going into that idiot's mind." Shuddered Ino. "Besides, even if I wanted to my dad made me promise never to use that jutsu on a fellow Leaf Shinobi without the Hokage's say so, and especially never on Naruto. Although why he pointed him out specifically is a mystery to me. Why did he say that anyway?" she turned to the other blonde.

"How the heck should I know?" pouted Naruto. "Any more dumb questions or can I go now? I'm hungry and there's a bowl of ramen with my name on it out there."

"Fine, go on. Get out of here, dobe." Sasuke grunted. Naruto left, looking very annoyed. "Well that was a waste of time."

"Seriously." Sakura agreed. "So now we're looking for a skinny guy in a blue cloak…" she trailed off as she suddenly noticed the picture of Gai and his team hanging on the wall (along with pictures of the other graduates of their year with their senseis) next to the blackboard where some kid had been writing "I will not skip class to go skinny dipping." She turned to her right. A blue cloak was hanging up next to the door.

"_I saw a skinny guy in a blue cloak carrying something under his arm_."

Near the window was a picture of a courier-nin carrying a package under his arm. Near that was a notice that students were not to take the stairs on the south side to get to the second floor, and another one directly below it stating that Iruka-sensei's class would be taught by a substitute while he helped assign missions at the Hokage Tower tomorrow.

"_So I went to find Iruka-sensei…then I remembered he'd be at the Hokage Tower_…"

"Uh guys…" Sakura started.

5…4…3…2…1…

"NARUTOOOOOOOO!"

Naruto chuckled at a picture of a three year old Shikamaru in a reindeer costume as he walked through the crowded streets of Konoha. "Kaiser Soze no Jutsu…success (4)." He'd have to hide from his friends for a while but he figured it was worth it. "I should stock up on ramen before I go on the lam…"

1) Could you imagine Kakashi out in the field reading Icha Icha Paradise in Perverted Popup Paperback?

2) Or would they?

3) More commonly known as crossing your fingers.

4) Creative credit for this chapter and jutsu goes to Crow T R0bot who gave me a challenge I couldn't pass up. So, was it what you were expecting? I had a heck of a time trying to come up with a plausible reason for any of this to happen within this particular storyline. I think I did okay considering I've never actually seen the movie The Usual Suspects save for the infamous ending sequence.


	9. Chapter 9

Clark Cradic: I'm not surprised that I'm not the only one who hasn't seen The Usual Suspects so I'm all too happy to explain last chapter's jutsu (as I understand it since it wasn't my idea). Basically it stimulates the parts of the brain responsible for observation and creativity. This allows the user to instantly make up plausible (but completely untrue) stories on the spot using the things he sees. Nobody realizes the story is an utter fabrication until the person is well out of the vicinity of the interrogators.

Haru: First of all, you are forgetting that Naruto came across the Scrolls of Dubious Jutsu completely by accident. Tsunade may have written it down but I never said she told anybody that she had done so. As far as anybody else knows, Naruto is the only person who knows that jutsu and he isn't allowed to teach it to Jiraiya (who doesn't even know it exists yet, as he is not in the village at this point of the storyline).

Godsspiker: Your Purring Naked Neji is on its way, complete with chaise lounge, and Perverted Popup Paperback. Have fun!

For those of you wanting to know where Naruto got the blackmail photos…sore wa himitsu desu.

Warning: Bad jokes about people with no pants on.

The Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu  
By Kaori

Several angry people stood inside of the Hokage's office fuming and demanding justice. This is nothing new, but usually Tsunade doesn't have to resist the urge to laugh. All the victims, wealthy merchants that were known for being pompous windbags, were red in the face from utter embarrassment and anger…and there wasn't a pair of pants between them.

"GYAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Hokage-sama this is highly irregular!" huffed the one nearest to her desk.

"Should you be making comments about irregularity in your underwear?" snickered Tsunade. This only caused the man's face to redden even further. "Look the only thing that you've lost is a little dignity…and your pants. PAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"I see we shall get no satisfaction from you." Another man glared.

"Why Asataka-san I thought you were happily married." Leered the Hokage.

"What? What are you insinua…" Asataka suddenly got even redder in the face. "_Hokage-sama_! You…" he sputtered incoherently.

"You know, you shouldn't proposition the Hokage for sex. That sort of thing leads to scandals. But then again, running around the village with no pants on is scandalous too."

"ARGH! Come gentlemen…"

"Not on my floor you don't." she was having way too much fun. (1)

"…we shall be taking our leave!" Asataka and his pantsless entourage stormed out of the Hokage's office, leaving the woman to laugh herself sick.

Outside, more people were finding themselves pantsless. Team 8 had been industriously helping a farmer herd his sheep. All of a sudden there was a gust of wind and a triumphant cry of "NO PANTS!" Confused, they all looked around, but noticed nothing unusual. Until they herded the last sheep into the barn that is…

"Eeep!" Hinata got very red in the face and turned around to avoid looking at her teammate. Shino twitched.

"Eh? Hinata, what's wrong?" Kiba turned around to see what had upset his teammate. "ACK! SHINO! I COULD HAVE GONE MY WHOLE LIFE WITHOUT KNOWING YOU WEAR TIGHTY WHITIES!"

"…I thought it suddenly got drafty." He said, looking unperturbed; as if being in your underwear in public was perfectly natural. Suddenly he frowned. "Where _are_ my pants?" Kurenai covered her eyes and shook her head. Shino couldn't walk into the village looking like that. She turned to the farmer.

"Could we borrow two of your sheep for a little while?" she asked.

"Nuh uh, the last time I let someone with no pants on borrow my sheep they walked funny for three days."

"I assure you sir, that's _not_ what we want to borrow them for."

"Kurenai-sensei what did he mean by that?" asked Shino.

"NOTHING! Ahem…never you mind about that Shino. Now we're going to have one sheep walk in front of you and one sheep walk behind you until you get home…."

Iruka was standing behind his desk lecturing his Academy students on the differences between different types of knives and their uses within the ninja community when a blast of wind suddenly blew through the open window during which someone yelled "NO PANTS!" Iruka thought the voice sounded familiar but was too busy jumping around, grabbing papers out of the air. Once he had placed the last paper back onto his desk he noticed that all the students were laughing at him.

"Now what's so funny?" he demanded.

"I see Kusa…" snickered one student.

"…full of ants…." Another student continued.

"And I see sensei's underpants! (2)" chorused the class before breaking down into a fit of laughing and giggling. Iruka looked down, and sure enough, his pants were gone. Now he knew why that voice sounded so familiar…

"NARUTO!"

Said genin cackled madly as he stuffed yet another pair of pants into the sack he was hauling. Truthfully he wasn't sure what he was going to do with all these pants, but he was enjoying the embarrassment he was causing.

No Pants no Jutsu was created as a joke by a young kunoichi for the sole purpose of humiliating her lecherous sensei. Every time they were in public and he made a perverse comment, she'd use No Pants no Jutsu to embarrass him. Basically, the jutsu is a watered-down shunshin no jutsu so you move very fast over a short distance and remove your target's pants (or yank them around his ankles). The same kunoichi, when she got older, found a much better use for it (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, heheh). Naruto just wanted to see the look on people's faces as they were rendered indecent (3).

Continuing on his way he happened upon Gai and Lee training. He suddenly found himself wondering what would happen if you used the jutsu on someone that wasn't actually wearing pants? Determined to find out, he waited for his chance to strike.

"Yosh! Lee, it is getting to be that time of the day! We shall head back to the village and have a most revitalizing lunch before resuming our training for the day!" boomed Gai. Lee saluted smartly.

"Hai, Gai-sensei!" And the two sped off towards Team 10's favorite barbecue restaurant. Naruto gave chase not wanting to miss his opportunity.

Before they arrived at the restaurant, Gai and his protégé ran into Kakashi. Naruto, still wanting revenge for being Sennen Goroshied, molded his chakra and…

WHOOSH! "NO PANTS!"

The result was rather disappointing.

"Did somebody say something?" blinked Kakashi. From a nearby rooftop, Naruto cursed. Of course Kakashi would be wearing another pair of pants underneath. Damn him!

"Stop trying to change the subject Kakashi!" Gai immediately brought attention back to himself. "The score stands 65 – 66 in your favor. I challenge you!" The cycloptic jounin let out a heavy sigh.

"All right, what is it this time?"

"A race to the barbecue restaurant! The loser buys lunch!"

"All right. Let's get this over with."

"Yosh!"

Both contestants got into a ready position.

"On your marks…" Lee said. "Get set…" Naruto quickly prepared his jutsu.

WHOOSH! "NO PANTS!"

"GO!"

That day, Gai earned himself another nickname: The Streak.

_Here he comes, look at that, look at that_  
_There he goes, look at that, look at that  
__And he ain't wearin no clothes._

_  
__Oh yes they call him The Streak  
__Look at that, look at that  
__Fastest thing on two feet  
__Look at that, look at that  
__He's just as proud as he can be  
__Of his anatomy  
__Gonna give us a peek. _(4)

_Ah, the people of Konohagakure are going to need mind and eye bleach after that one. Oh the horror…the horror…_

1) I had fun writing that little exchange.

2) I had to make something up because "I see Cairo/London, I see France" doesn't really apply here. If you can come up with something better I'd love to see it.

3) Is it just me, or does it seem wrong that only little kids are allowed to go outside in their underwear? Every time I visit the more ghettoish areas around here I always pass at least one little boy in Batman (or some other super hero) underpants with his finger in his mouth, or a little girl in white kiddy pants and an undershirt with more talcum powder on her chest than a French aristocrat during the Renaissance. At one point in our lives did we start saying "Okay that's it, I'm not going outside in my underwear anymore"?

4) The Streak by Ray Stevens. Best part of that whole song: "I hollered, "Don't look, Ethel!" But it was too late. She'd already been mooned. Flashed her right there in front of the shock absorbers."


	10. Chapter 10

I've been asked what Hyuuga Hiroshi looks like. Just picture the most uninteresting Branch House Hyuuga you can and you've got Hiroshi. The only other thing I can tell you is that he's a chuunin and bad things always seem to happen to him despite being a rather decent sort of person. The author doesn't hate him but the gods sure do.

I also got a question about Early-Morning-Unprovoked-Cat-Attack Fu. This is a cat-owner joke. Most cat owners (myself included) experience mornings where, for no apparent reason, the cat will jump on your bladder and proceed to molest you (or something to that effect). I just took the name and ran with it.

Finally, a lot of you seem to like Purring Naked Neji. I don't know whether to be pleased, amused, weirded out, or a combination of the three.

The Shinobi's Guide to Dubious Jutsu  
By Kaori

"I need you to give me the scroll back." Tsunade said.

"What! But why?" whined Naruto.

"I don't like it any more than you do, but the Council is getting annoyed by all the complaints and the villagers are threatening a revolt if you don't cut it out. There goes my only source of entertainment besides torturing Izumo and Kotetsu…"

"Can't I just do one more? One more and you can have the scroll back."

"I suppose one last hurrah wouldn't hurt. Just don't do anything too disruptive. We still haven't rounded up all the squirrels from yesterday's little prank."

"Aw come on, Squirrely Wrath (1) no Jutsu isn't nearly as disruptive as the mountain of pants in the middle of the village."

"You obviously didn't' see what happened to Kurenai. Anyway, the point is I don't want half the village at my door tonight asking for your head on a pike, got it?"

"Yeah, yeah…" Naruto waved negligently at Tsunade as he left the office. He stopped at the door. "Hey, can I be held responsible for damage other people cause when they chase me?"

"Not really…" the question confused Tsuande.

"Just checking." And he left.

Out in the village proper, Sasuke was doing his grocery shopping for the month. When you live alone it is important to keep your cupboards stocked. He bought the minimum amount of perishable foods to a minimum. It would be a waste of both money and food to completely stock the refrigerator when it was expected that he and his team would be called out on missions. He'd learned that lesson along time ago when he came back from Wave Country and had to throw out half the contents of the refrigerator. Disposing of the vegetables (fertilizer for the garden) wasn't too big of a deal, but the meat was a kicker (he couldn't just throw it out because the raccoons and fangirls had a tendency to root through his trash).

"And I had been looking forward to eating that beef too." He sighed at the memory. A high-pitched squeal broke him out of his reverie and into Uchiha DEFCON 1 (2). "Fangirl, twenty meters and closing…from the left!" He jumped onto a nearby roof clutching his grocery bags, and watched as Sakura seemed to fly into a nearby alleyway. She slammed into a garbage can with a satisfying clang. "Che…" He continued on his way.

Naruto smiled as he sat on his favorite stool at Ichiraku Ramen, seventeen empty bowls were stacked on his left, the eighteenth bowl lay empty before him. He patted his stomach in satisfaction and let out a contented sigh.

"Ne, Ichiraku-jiji, that was great!"

"Glad you enjoyed it, kid. You actually going to pay this time?"

"What do you mean? I always pay…eventually." He chuckled, taking out Gama-chan and putting the money on the counter.

"Hahaha! That you do, that you do."

"Well, I'll see you later! I have something I've got to take care of."

"Do I need to close the store early again?"

"Nah, your customers might want to see this." He grinned, and went off to perform his evil deed for the day.

He had thought this out from last night. He couldn't use it on Sasuke himself because he had to be really close to Sasuke to use it. The Uchiha was not going to put up with Naruto using a strange jutsu on him, not after being hit with When Animals Attack no Jutsu and Divine Retribution no Jutsu. (3) Naruto needed a way to get Sasuke to use the jutsu on himself, and he think he'd figured out how…

Sasuke finished putting his groceries away and took out his "to do" list. "Let's see, mail death threat to Itachi…check. Sit in my parents' room and brood…check. Drop off laundry at the cleaners… check. Do grocery-shopping…check. Train to kill Itachi…right. Still have to do that before I can start brooding again. (4)"

As he stepped outside the compound he had to get out of the way in a hurry to avoid a delivery boy running full tilt down the street. "Sorry man!" the boy had yelled over his shoulder. Sasuke gave an annoyed grunt and was about to go on his way when he noticed a piece of paper on the ground. Curious, he picked it up and read it.

"Fangirl Repel no Jutsu. Will repel any female traveling towards you at excessive speeds for six hours." He turned the paper over to see the seals written on the other side and a feeling that he hadn't experienced in a long time welled up inside him. Joy. He would be free of fangirls, FOREVER! The jutsu wasn't all the complicated either. Now he only had to see if it worked.

Walking down the street to deliberately try and get mobbed by fangirls was surreal. He was actually freaking out a little bit. "Come ooon….where are you? I know you're out there, come here and molest me dammit!." He blinked and smacked himself on he forehead. "I did not just say that…"

Somebody up there was listening (praise be to the Authors!) as not one but two fangirls coming out of a nearby shop caught sight of Sasuke.

"SASUKE-KUN!" the squealed, dropped their shopping bags, and dashed forward.

Sasuke resisted the urge to bolt. He'd cast the jutsu on himself and now he needed to know if it would work. He closed his eyes as they got closer and closer and then suddenly…

"EEEEYAAAAA!"

He cracked one eye open just in time to see both fangirls repelled thirty feet backwards. He stood there, staring for about five minutes and then…

"HOO FREAKIN' YEAH! IT WORKS! IT WORKS! I'M FREEEEEEEEEE! SCREW YOU FANGIRLS!"

People gaped as the Uchiha skipped, that's right, skipped down the street. Many of the older people in the village were very surprised as they hadn't seen Sasuke smile in years and had forgotten what that looked like.

"This is the second best day of my life!" hummed Sasuke. (5)

Naruto watched Sasuke cavort and almost felt bad about what was going to happen to the dark-haired avenger (6). Almost. "Enjoy it while it lasts Sasuke, 'cause the way I figure it, you've got four hours of happiness left. Kukukuku…"

In Otogakure, Orochimaru sneezed and frowned. "Who's been using my copyrighted laugh?" Deciding this should not go unpunished, he decided to scour the world in order to find the culprit as he had no money to pay lawyers with at the moment (7).

Back to Sasuke who was thoroughly enjoying watching fangirls fly towards the horizon. It was like Neji's kaiten only invisible. He felt like he could take on the world! Then he realized that it was almost time to recast the jutsu. Gathering his chakra he flashed through the handseals and…

"Fangirl Repel no Jutsu." He suddenly felt his face get warm. "Odd…that didn't happen the first time." He used the window of a nearby store as a mirror and noticed that he looked like he had a slight blush. "Oh well, it's probably nothing." He squared his shoulders and walked down the street, confident that no fangirls would be coming for him today.

"Hi Sasuke." A guy waved at him. Sasuke almost had a panic attack. That was the fanboy's voice! The repelling jutsu doesn't work on guys! What'll he do now? He's not prepared for Dodgedick today! Damn! he didn't notice that the fanboy had since gone on his way until he'd started scanning the street for exits.

"Whew…what a relief." Sighed Sasuke. "Thank kami I only have _one_ fanboy. Although I'm surprised he's not all over me today… Bah, no skin off my back."

"No Sasuke, it's no skin off your back." Naruto smirked from a safe distance of twenty-five feet away. "But it might end up being your shirt…"

Naruto had gone back to the scroll to read more on Fangirl Repel no Jutsu since he'd only skimmed through the explanation. Casting the jutsu more than once in twelve hours didn't just attract males ages thirteen to thirty, it also attracted lesbians. But why? The answer is rather funny.

Fangirl Repel no Jutsu is based on the premise that the fangirls are attracted to a bishounen. Taking this into account, it also assumes that the girls are heterosexual which means that they are not interested in other women. So, the jutsu works in such a way that it emits a very feminine aura tricking the senses of the fangirl into thinking that they are about to molest another female. This in turn, triggers a fight or flight mechanism in their female brains that suddenly causes a burst of chakra to be emitted from their bodies that collides with the bishounen's fake female aura. Instant repulsion.

The jutsu wears off in twelve hours after being cast. Casting it more than once during those twelve hours doubles the effect, which has the side-effect of broadcasting not just a strong feminine aura, but it actually causes any male between thirteen and thirty years of age, within a radius of twenty-five feet believe that the person under the jutsu is actually an incrediblyhot and horny female. This explains why the fanboy had absolutely no interest in Sasuke and, why Sasuke is currently being chased by six lesbians, fifteen male chuunin, six male jounin, and one very confused rooster (8); and the mob was only getting bigger.

"Why is this happening to me!" screamed Sasuke as he raced towards the sunset at speeds that would make Gai and Lee envious.

"Come on sweety, don't be like that!" cooed one of the chuunin. Sasuke shivered.

Naruto continued to watch from his safe point, laughing into his bowl of ramen and wondering if Sasuke can elude his new admirers for another eleven hours. Ah, today was a great day…to bad he'd have to return the scroll to Tsunade when it was over. Oh well, it had been fun.

"You." a voice hissed behind him. Naruto slowly turned around and yelped when none other than Orochimaru was standing behind him. "You used my copyrighted laugh." There was only one thing to do in that sort of situation…

"CRACK IN THE BOX NO JUTSU: NAKED SASUKE VERSION!"

_Yep. Totally messed-up ending, but what can I tell say? Crack in the Box no Jutsu and its variations was my favorite. Also, many of you asked for Orochimaru in this story so here he is. I'd tell you what the next Shinobi's Guide is going to be, but I don't feel like it. BWUAHAHAHAA!_

1) The phrase "squirrely wrath" is from Neurotically Yours by iLlWiLlPrEsS. Laugh because it's funny get pissed off because it's true.

2) DEFCON 1 is maximum force readiness. Everyone on high alert and all sensors up and running. Uchiha DEFCON 1 is all senses on full alert for fangirls and preparing to run like a little bitch.

3) Gah! I really need to learn to control my urge to torture Sasuke!

4) I was listening to The Emo Song when I wrote that part. I was very tempted to put in something about tacos.

5) The best day of Sasuke's life will be the day he kills Itachi. Or at least that's what he believes…

6) Just so you know, I was so close to writing "dark haired shit-eater". I really need to stop looking at Naruto parodies… On second thought, no I don't.

7) I know it doesn't make sense, just go with it for now.

8) Anybody who asks about the rooster will be molested by Orochimaru in their sleep tonight.


End file.
